Politics Today

I’m a single woman in her mid-30s who is educated and fairly passionate about politics. I find some things I’ve run into pretty funny, at the same time I feel the need to rant about it. I’m Conservative. I’m very disappointed in how socialist this country is becoming. We’re not Sweden but my good friends that are Swedish and living there now have told me that they can’t believe how the United States is moving in that direction. They wanted to move out here to get away from the socialism but now are rethinking that because of what’s going on here. I can’t blame them…

I educate myself on the goings on in the world. I don’t know everything that’s going on but I do ask questions. I wish I knew more and had time to learn more but alas I have what they call a “job” and have to work because millions of welfare people depend on it. Not to mention those recieving government bailouts. How else can they get that money other than to tax people like me who actually work. Oh wait, that’s right, let’s get our printers out and print some money!! Jimmy Carter had nothin’ on those in office right now! Every time I think of that it reminds me of the scene in “Goonies” where Data finds the printer that prints the fifty-dollar bills. Woo hoo!

The liberals out there who hear me talk or read my opinions…look out! I can’t believe how full of hate and anger they are. I get called all sorts of names. Now a good debate is one thing but when you resort to calling me a “cunt” because of my beliefs, you just lost. I know I know…it’s difficult to be proven wrong time and time again. I’ve been proven wrong on occasion and it can sting, but I can’t imagine how it feels to be proven wrong so many times. Liberals say Conservatives such as myself are full of hate. Yet I’ve been targeted because of my beliefs quite a few times. I’m a woman who expresses my beliefs, but as soon as I do to a liberal all hell breaks loose. My car has been pelted with paintballs. I’ve been flipped off driving down the street with my “support the troops” magnet on my car. Liberals say they believe in free speech, but as soon as I try to speak I’m told to “shut the fuck up cunt.”

But perhaps I’m “profiling.” Oh yes, that’s very wrong. We should NEVER profile. I mean come on now, it’s wrong when somebody robs a bank, let’s say, and we profile to find him. This is how I see this going….

*Ma’am, can you describe the person you saw rob the bank and shoot the teller?
**Yes I can. He stood about 6′ tall, had blue eyes and dark brown hair, had an English accent, wore blue jeans and a black shirt. He drove away in a honda accord Lic plate # xxx xxx
*Thank you ma’am. We’ll put in the police report

And here we are at the police station…..
*We need to put out an APB on a man who’s 6′tall with blue eyes and dark brown hair with an English accent wearing a black shirt and blue jeans driving a honda accord Lic plate # xxx xxx
**We can’t. That’s profiling.
*Profiling against what?
**Men. And people with blue eyes. And people who drive honda accords. And people with English accents. And people who wear blue jeans. And people who wear black shirts.
*Uh, what else do we have here?
**We’ll put an APB out for a white person driving a car.

D’oh! That’s what this country is coming to. You can’t describe people you see doing any crime for fear of “profiling.” How else are the police supposed to do their search? You need descriptions to find people and things. Detailed descriptions. And sometimes these descriptions include accents AND ethnicities!!

And I’m not full of hate, but I am full of disappointment. It’s really disheartening to see all of these brain-washed people in this, what I see as a cult, chanting down the street like in the “Thriller” video “yes we can, yes we can.”

To all you that voted for this “change.” Please keep the change. And to the administration that keeps on sending these bailouts with earmarks for tattoo removal and salmon spawning and research on chicken eggs….STOP SPENDING MY MONEY!! You are bankrupting this country. You are weakening us against our enemies. But I’m almost certain that is your goal. I’m sorry but many of you elected officials are living in you own fantasy world…a 9/10 world. Me…I’m living in a 9/12 world and am scared to death about what you’re doing to this once fine nation.

POOF!

I just have to laugh.  It’s gotten so rediculous I just can’t help but laugh anymore.  I’ve moved into my new house in July.  Things didn’t go smoothly to say the least but over the last couple months things began to smooth out somewhat.  I have wonderful neighbors…the kind of neighbors you hope for when you move to a new neighborhood.  Kids playing in the street.  People say hi and chat as you pass each other by.  I’ll see one walking in the neighborhood and invite them over for a glass of wine and a chat.  I have one neighbor that takes my dog every day while I’m at work so she doesn’t have to be alone.  Just good people all around me.

So that made me want to try dating again.  I’m in a new town, new people, why not date right?  So I have.  I’ve met some interesting people to say the least.  But just as in a previous post, my letter to Joseph B, the men just disappear.  One man I dated said he’d never had as much fun with a woman as he did with me.  He was excited I was in his life.  Then POOF, gone.  No call, no explanation, no nothing even after I tried contacting him.

Another man seemed very nice.  He talked about wanting to take care of me.  Wanting to treat me like no man has treated me.  Be romantic.  We had so much fun.  I laughed so much.  Then POOF, gone.  Same thing…no call, no explanation, no nothing even after I tried contacting him.

Then this other man came into my life.  He is intelligent, loves hockey like I do, shares the same political views as I have, can keep up with me in my sarcasm and wit, likes to be affectionate, a very handsome tall strong man.  He told me he couldn’t stop thinking about me.  He said it was so nice to finally meet a woman like me.  Once again POOF.

I wish I knew what it is that went wrong.  These men tell me how wonderful I am then completely disappear.  If they hadn’t told me how much they love being with me and we had arguments or ill feelings I’d be able to understand better.  Or if they’d tell me what was wrong maybe I could fix it.  But when they build me up by telling me how wonderful they think I am and how happy they are to find me it makes it extremely difficult to understand why they go POOF.

I’ve asked my guy friends this very question.  They have no answer for me.  They just tell me it’s not anything I’ve done wrong.  But I’m the common denominator.  What could I be doing wrong?  What am I doing wrong?  I wish I knew so I could fix it.

The only thing I’ve been told is that it’s because I’m too good to be true.  Or that men don’t feel that I need them and they need a woman who needs them.  What I need is for them not to go POOF.  What I need, like any other human being, is to feel loved.

I’m an independent woman who owns her own house and car, who is intelligent and educated, who lives alone but is strong.  Am I scaring men away because of who I am?  Am I truly destined to be alone the rest of my life?  I wish somebody had answers out there because I keep banging my head against the wall trying to figure things out.

How many times can I break ’til I’ve shattered?

I just want to find a man that compliments me as I do him.  I’m not perfect.  I’m not asking for the perfect man.  I’m asking for the perfect man for me as I would be the perfect woman for him.  I’m asking for a man that won’t go POOF.

Alone

So it’s been about 3 months since I’ve moved into my new house.  I should be the most ecstatic woman but I’m not.  I find myself crying much more than I ever have.  I guess I always thought that when I had a house I’d be starting a family in it.  And reality is setting in for me.  I’m 34 years old and have had one real relationship in my life.  I’m not the type guys want.  Even when I go out with them they disappear on me…POOF…without a word.  We could have had the most fun and they’ll tell me they really want to see me again.  They’ll even keep in contact for a few days after we go out.  But that’s it.

I don’t hear from them again.

Well that’s not always true.  More than half have come back after a couple months saying they got scared because I was more than what they ever wanted in a woman.

Doesn’t do me any good now does it?  I can’t trust them not to run away again.

And in my head I know I should be happy with everything I have.  But my heart tells me otherwise.  As much as I’ve tried to change things…I go out to try new things, find new hobbies…nothing is working.  I feel guilty for feeling this way.  I feel ashamed for feeling this way.

But I still do.

I really want to know what it is I have done.  I can’t figure it out.  I must have been a horrible person in a past life.  There are so many people who have done so much worse than me and are so happy.  I’m a great person and easy on the eyes yet nobody wants me.

I know, I’m venting, having a pity fest over here but I can’t shake it.

My mom said that everyone has luck in one way or another.  She used to tell me to not waste the luck on things like gambling and such.  Well I haven’t gambled much in my life.  I find I’m pretty damn lucky finding parking spots.  No really I am.  It can be THE busiest day of the holiday shopping season with the whole flippin parking lot full and I will drive to the front of a mall and there’s a spot just waiting for me.  Every year, every time.

So instead of being lucky in love I’m lucky in parking.  Every time I get one of those spots I think, “there goes another chance for me to find a man who will love me forever.”

And I’m alone in this house.  A house I thought I’d be starting my own family in with a husband of my own and children of my own.

I need to make peace with that.  Make peace with the reality that I’m never going to have it.  I was at peace with that awhile ago until somebody came into my life and made me want those things.  Just like all the others he left but unlike the others he left me with the heartache I never would have known if I was happy with not wanting a husband or children.

And I sit here on the sofa, laptop on my lap, sad music playing, tears falling from my eyes facing that reality….alone.

Will it ever end?

Ok…I’ve been in my new house since mid-July now.  I got the keys to my house at the end of June.  In that time my AC has gone down 3 times, I do not have cable in this “cable ready” house, no phone, no internet (I’m borrowing from a friend now) the stairs have the tacks still showing, the dishwasher is leaking, the dryer is missing a filter and my laundry room door won’t close because the door wasn’t cut right.

This is a BRAND NEW house.  I didn’t think problems would be so rampant in a newly built house.  I always heard that there were problems when you moved in somebody else’s house…since they’ve worn it out.  I didn’t realize more problems occurred in a new house.

I feel so lost here.  I have my friend across the street but she’s having issues of her own to deal with…personal issues and I will always be there for her. 

But I’m having issues moving to a new place, my employer not giving a damn about me to give me any training or support in this new enviornment and the builder of the house not giving a damn about all their errors.

Before I talked about being a “house owner” vs a “home owner.”  I stick with that statement.  I haven’t found a home yet.  I went “home” to San Jose a few days ago to pick up Parker, my baby girl (my 4-year old german shephard lab mix).  My parents took her while I tried to get things straightened away.  I was so lonely without her.  But driving back to my house from San Jose I couldn’t help but wonder if I had made a mistake.

I love San Jose.  I always will.  It will always be my home.  My Sharks are there.  My family is there.  My comfort is there.  I’m so unhappy here I can’t help but think every day that I made a mistake.  Work sucks.  House problems suck.  Feels like life sucks.

Something’s missing.  I don’t know what.  Some days I think it’s a man.  Once in awhile I think it’s a child.  In the end I don’t know what it is but it’s something big.

I’m tired of feeling lost.  And I don’t know what to do about it.  I know only I can make the changes I need but every time I think I’ve gotten somewhere something pushes me back a few feet.  I wish I knew what to do to get control back.  But I’m just so lost.  And I’m very impatient that I can’t just sit back and ‘let’ things happen.  I need to MAKE things happen, I know that.  

I just wish I knew what to do.

Lost

Well I haven’t written on here in quite some time.  Why?  Because I have no internet connection in my new house.  Still.  It’s been 2 months.  My ‘cable-ready’ house is not at all ready.  My AC broke before I moved in.  It broke again last night.  I called Comcast to see what’s going on with my cable and phone and internet…they went out today and still can’t find anything.  They said the next time they can get out is on 8/18…which is 16 days from today.  Are we kidding?!?

Not to mention the tacks on the stairs that prick your feet as you walk up, the laundry room door won’t close and the vent for the dryer that leads to outside wasn’t done properly and could start a fire when I do my laundry.  GEEZ!

So needless to say my new house buying experience has NOT been a good one.  I’m frustrated all the time.  And dealing with that when I get in after work sucks…especially since work is terrible.  After knowing I would be transfering since May 1…they STILL have not found me a desk.  They’ve known for basically 3 months and I have no desk.  Nor have I had any training.  I’m just winging it over here hoping I don’t get anything wrong.  I feel so lost.

Lost.  That’s the perfect word for my feelings right now.  Lost.  If you’ve seen the movie “Lilo & Stitch” you’ll understand.  That moment Stitch is alone at night and says “lost.”  That’s me right now.

If it weren’t for the incredible support I have from my parents I don’t think I would have made it this far.  I had a complete breakdown last night.  Tears flowing.  I had my dog with me and hugged her.  But my parents have taken her for a couple weeks so I can get everything settled without the worry of her getting out or getting hurt during this process.  It’ll be so much more lonely than I’ve been but it’s best to have her safe and that worry off my plate.

So I’ve moved from San Jose to Roseville.  Do you know the way to San Jose?  Yes I do!  And I want to run back so quickly!  I’m lost in Roseville.  I’m totally regretting this move.  Maybe things will settle soon and things will get fixed.  I really don’t have much patience.  And I don’t know how much more I can take.

I’m just so…..LOST.

Tony Snow

This weekend a wonderful man passed away.  His name is Tony Snow.  If you look up the term “Renaissance Man” it describes him:  http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Renaissance%20man

He was a man that could do anything from slam dunk a basketball to playing a multitude of instruments to politics to philosophy to poetry writing.  And that only names a few of the things he did in his lifetime on a regular basis.

I watched 2 days of specials on him talking about his life.  What a person.  He was always smiling, even through the chemotherapy and hair loss.  And he always had such a positive attitude and outlook on life.  Wow.  That’s all I can say.  I used to watch him a lot on Fox News.  I loved watching him when he was the White House Press Secretary and how he could call the press on their $h!T in a nice way with a grin on his face.

How did he do that?  He was a nice yet firm guy.  I never once heard anybody say that they thought he was a jerk or anything.  How do you maintain that balance?  I know when I was nice people walked over me.  Then when I tried to combine nice and firm people called me that dreaded “B” word.

How can you be THAT nice and not have people walk over you?  And he influenced people.  What an incredible man.  He made people feel good about themselves.  It didn’t matter what side of the political spectrum you were, he respected you and influenced you.

I have this new start and would like to be more like the person he was.  I’m going to do all I can to be like that.  It’ll be difficult to change the person I’ve become but if I can be even a little more like him I’ll be better off and I can help people.

He was such an incredible man.  What a terrible loss for the world.

That’s Life

That’s life. 

That’s what all the people say.  Riding high in April (I was deliriously happy with Joseph) then shot down in May (Joseph left without saying a word as to why).  I know I’m gonna change that tune when I’m back on top in June (bought my new house!)

I say that’s life.  Funny as it may seem, some people get their kicks stompin’ on your dreams (Cruella from my last post!) But I don’t let it, let it get me down.  ‘Cause this big ol’ world keeps spinnin’ ’round.

I’ve been a puppet a pauper a pirate a poet, a pawn and a king (oh boy have I!!) I’ve been up and down and over and out (sing it baby…sounds like you’re singing about me right now!) but I know one thing.  Each time I find myself flat on my face I pick myself up and get back in the race (don’t have much of a choice there…gotta do it.)

That’s life.

I can’t deny it.  I thought of quittin’ baby (really, who hasn’t?) This heart wasn’t gonna buy it.  And if I didn’t think it was worth one single try, I’d jump right on a big bird and then I’d fly (instead I’m drivin’ my Durango up to my new house in Roseville)

I’ve been a puppet a pauper a pirate a poet, a pawn and a king (oh boy have I!!) I’ve been up and down and over and out (sing it baby…sounds like you’re singing about me right now!) but I know one thing.  Each time I find myself flat on my face I pick myself up and get back in the race (don’t have much of a choice there…gotta do it.)

That’s life.

I can’t deny it.  Many times I thought of cuttin’ out but my heart won’t buy it (it just won’t.  I can’t give up.)  But if there’s nothing shaking come this here July (we’re in July now and I’m moving into my new house the day after tomorrow.  I’d say that’s a good shake up.  Start at my new headquarters on Monday the 21st!)  I’m gonna roll.  I’m gonna roll.  I’m gonna roll myself in a big ball and diiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I must say that this song has summed up my life over the last few months.  When I’m feeling down I blast this song and sing very loud.  Very theraputic I must say.   You should try it!

New Start?

So this move is really happening.  We have a dumpster here and I’m dumping EVERYTHING from my room.  Only keeping the clothes and some books and collectables.  Anything I haven’t touched in the last 6 months or forgot I had I’m dumping.  I bought all new furniture for the house, kitchen appliances, pots and pans, everything.  But I’m not done yet.  I’m starting new…brand new…while still keeping some of myself.

This is an opportunity to start over in all aspects of my life.  I will be working at a new headquarters but the same job.  Let me tell you a little about why I’m leaving San Jose:

I started my career with this company 6 1/2 years ago.  I worked my way from the bottom up.  I was one of their top employees in this department.  I trained, hired, supervised many people…close to about 70 or 80 different people by the time I hit my 4 1/2 year mark.  20-25% of my employees, because of my training and developing and motivating, moved into management.  Considering the business I’m pretty damn proud of that accomplishment.  Year 4 1/2 I was promoted to a position of high authority…oversaw 250+ employees, had to keep track of technology, training and all sorts of things.  Problem was that the manager of this place, the person who supervised all the front-line supervisors including me, kept changing.  I had to train a new boss twice.  But the one that took over 1 1/2 years ago made people’s lives miserable.,,Let’s call her Cruella because we were all like the dalmation puppies Cruella wanted to skin for her fur coat.  2 people went on stress leave because of Cruella and 3 left, not to mention the 4 other front-line supervisors who have come to me daily telling me they don’t know how much more they can take and don’t know how I was able to last so long.  I used to get 60+ emails from her A DAY with ‘to dos’ on them.  She’d forward me emails that were over a week old to deal with the issue…and they’d be due that day.  I am an extremely strong woman and she broke me.  I’d drive home every day crying.

She prided herself on making people cry…she told me that.  She never knew I did and I would never give her that satisfaction.  And when I told her my aspirations of moving up in the company, she told me my “destiny” was not up there but as a front-line supervisor.  She wouldn’t let me go.  She knew I was a strong performer and if she lost me all her “numbers” would plumit.  I was trapped.  I’m the type of supervisor that gave no limits to my employees…there was no ceiling for them and I would help them build their ladder to success.  In turn I got a supervisor who not only put up an extremely short ceiling but would burn any ladder I tried to build.

Then I saw a glimmer of hope.  A new department was being formed in the company to which my position would report.  Thank God, my prayers were answered.  Only they weren’t going to let me take that position because of Cruella.  She told lies behind my back to keep me because she knew that her department would fail without me.  I was her strongest player.  And she never let people leave her.  She left them.  If you tried to leave Cruella she’d be sure to make your life miserable.  She was good at it.  And people in these other departments told me what she said.  Cruella had no idea the friends I made in this company, how well-known I was.  And they fought for me…and I fought against her.  I got the position and thought I was finally free.

But I wasn’t.  My new department’s client was my old department.  And I had to deal directly with Cruella.  She turned all the people I hired and trained, coached and developed against me.  I don’t know what she told them but I felt it.  And one of my supervisors in my new department told me the things she said, even showed me an email she had written.  All lies.  Luckily he saw right through them but we had to play politics.

I needed out.  I had to get away from Cruella’s grasp.  And now I finally have…hopefully.  I’ve been wrong before but at least now I’m surrounded by everyone in my department instead of working remotely.  And they trust me and like me.  And they hate her.

I really can’t understand why one person would put so much effort into making people miserable.  She’d tell all of us storied on how she’d throw food at her kids and then laugh about it.  I’m the type of person that gets a high off of watching people succeed and knowing I was a part of that success.  But this woman is evil…the worst boss I’ve ever seen in my life, and i’ve been working for almost 20 years in various companies in various departments.  She gets a high from making people miserable, and she admitted that to me too.

Also my love life hasn’t been very good.  I’ve been through a lot of heartbreak.  Now is the time to start over there too. 

Everything new.

I’ve been talking with this man, a very kind, funny, patient man.  I have yet to meet him.  We’ve been talking on the phone and online for about a month or so.  He lives in Sacramento, I’m moving to Roseville.  The two cities are very close to each other…not more than 30 minutes apart.  And I really want to like him.  We even have the same political beliefs…go figure!  He’s cute, sweet, smart and kind.  But now I find myself not wanting to talk with him.

I really don’t think I’m ready to date.  Too many new things going on right now and I don’t feel like there’s any part of me to give to somebody.  I know it’s not fair to go on a date with anybody wanting to start a relationship with somebody when I can’t give all of me.  He is ready to start a relationship.  I’ve been thinking about this the last couple days.  I need to tell him so I don’t waste any more of his time.  I just don’t know how to.  I’ve only been on this side once before.  That was recent and still hurt me to tell a wonderful man I wasn’t good for him (that’s another story).  Makes me sick to my stomach but I owe it to this guy.  I can’t do to him anything close to what Joseph, and a couple other men, did to me and just ignore his calls and attempts to contact me.  As much as it hurts and as hard as it will be I need to tell him.

Wish I knew how.

When I first started talking with this man I thought I wanted a relationship.  I truly and honestly did.  But I don’t think the time is right.  Maybe once I’m settled in I’ll be ready.  Just not now.

I need this new start.  Completely clean slate.  It’s a rare opportunity in life to be able to start over the way I am now and I’m going to take full advantage of it.  I think that means to give myself time to heal.  Heal from the damage that’s been done to my heart and my head through work and past relationships.  I’ll be ok in then end.  I’m a strong woman with wonderful parents and a very few really close, really wonderful friends.  I have lots of friends, but the close ones I’m referring to are like my family.  In fact I tell them they’re my family.

My new journey begins.

Wish me luck.

Love Lost

So why is it that I can’t get him out of my head?  He was only a part of my life for 2 months.  Crazy but in that short period of time I really fell in love with him.  I’m trying to forget him but I can’t.  I’m trying to remember him in ways that don’t hurt my heart but I can’t.  I’ve burned pictures; I’ve reminisced; I’ve looked at pictures; I’ve prayed to get over him.  It’s been 2 months since I last saw him…same amount of time that he was in my life but it hurts so much still.

Why is it my heart won’t let go?  I’ve moved on with my life.  I’m going on big adventures.  But driving in the car by myself a song, a sign, almost anything will bring him in my thoughts.

After taking every detour
Getting lost and losing track
So that even if I wanted
I could not find my way back
After driving out the memory
Of the way things might have been
After I’d forgotten all about us
The song remembers when

But that’s just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there’s no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned
Still I guess some things we bury
Are just bound to rise again
For even if the whole world has forgotten
The song remembers when

 God please help me forget him…and help me forgive myself for thinking of him as much as I do.  And please help my heart heal so I can love again the way I deserve to love…and the way my future man deserves to be loved.  Or perhaps I’m destined to be alone, and not be loved by somebody.  That’s always a possibility.  But God please show me the way.  I know you know what’s best for me but please give me signs to help me get there.

I’ve done some bad things in the past I know but who hasn’t?  I’ve not done anything evil, nor have I hurt anybody but myself.  Maybe in a past life I’ve done something really horrible and don’t deserve to be loved.  But there are days I long for it.  Please God, help me.

Feelings

I don’t know if my thinking is “warped” or if I’m correct or what.  I’m the type of person that feels things…a lot.  One of my best friends doesn’t understand because she doesn’t feel things the way I do.  And I have yet to find a man that does.  I don’t mean to “man-bash” but do men really feel love the way women do?  I know men and women think differently.  I know our emotions are different, but are we really THAT different? 

Any men out there reading this please feel free to comment.  I know when I love somebody I love with all my heart and it can take me awhile to get over somebody.  Do you guys feel the same?  How do you feel when you’re in love?

Maybe I’m thinking about this all wrong.  Maybe it’s just the particular men I’ve dated instead of men in general.  After all, that best friend I spoke about earlier doesn’t feel things the way I do.

I’d like to find a man that feels emotions as I do.  One that loves with all his heart.  One that does the little things for me and likes doing them just as I like doing for him. 

Please feel free to chime in here.  I’m looking for all opinions…