New Start?

So this move is really happening.  We have a dumpster here and I’m dumping EVERYTHING from my room.  Only keeping the clothes and some books and collectables.  Anything I haven’t touched in the last 6 months or forgot I had I’m dumping.  I bought all new furniture for the house, kitchen appliances, pots and pans, everything.  But I’m not done yet.  I’m starting new…brand new…while still keeping some of myself.

This is an opportunity to start over in all aspects of my life.  I will be working at a new headquarters but the same job.  Let me tell you a little about why I’m leaving San Jose:

I started my career with this company 6 1/2 years ago.  I worked my way from the bottom up.  I was one of their top employees in this department.  I trained, hired, supervised many people…close to about 70 or 80 different people by the time I hit my 4 1/2 year mark.  20-25% of my employees, because of my training and developing and motivating, moved into management.  Considering the business I’m pretty damn proud of that accomplishment.  Year 4 1/2 I was promoted to a position of high authority…oversaw 250+ employees, had to keep track of technology, training and all sorts of things.  Problem was that the manager of this place, the person who supervised all the front-line supervisors including me, kept changing.  I had to train a new boss twice.  But the one that took over 1 1/2 years ago made people’s lives miserable.,,Let’s call her Cruella because we were all like the dalmation puppies Cruella wanted to skin for her fur coat.  2 people went on stress leave because of Cruella and 3 left, not to mention the 4 other front-line supervisors who have come to me daily telling me they don’t know how much more they can take and don’t know how I was able to last so long.  I used to get 60+ emails from her A DAY with ‘to dos’ on them.  She’d forward me emails that were over a week old to deal with the issue…and they’d be due that day.  I am an extremely strong woman and she broke me.  I’d drive home every day crying.

She prided herself on making people cry…she told me that.  She never knew I did and I would never give her that satisfaction.  And when I told her my aspirations of moving up in the company, she told me my “destiny” was not up there but as a front-line supervisor.  She wouldn’t let me go.  She knew I was a strong performer and if she lost me all her “numbers” would plumit.  I was trapped.  I’m the type of supervisor that gave no limits to my employees…there was no ceiling for them and I would help them build their ladder to success.  In turn I got a supervisor who not only put up an extremely short ceiling but would burn any ladder I tried to build.

Then I saw a glimmer of hope.  A new department was being formed in the company to which my position would report.  Thank God, my prayers were answered.  Only they weren’t going to let me take that position because of Cruella.  She told lies behind my back to keep me because she knew that her department would fail without me.  I was her strongest player.  And she never let people leave her.  She left them.  If you tried to leave Cruella she’d be sure to make your life miserable.  She was good at it.  And people in these other departments told me what she said.  Cruella had no idea the friends I made in this company, how well-known I was.  And they fought for me…and I fought against her.  I got the position and thought I was finally free.

But I wasn’t.  My new department’s client was my old department.  And I had to deal directly with Cruella.  She turned all the people I hired and trained, coached and developed against me.  I don’t know what she told them but I felt it.  And one of my supervisors in my new department told me the things she said, even showed me an email she had written.  All lies.  Luckily he saw right through them but we had to play politics.

I needed out.  I had to get away from Cruella’s grasp.  And now I finally have…hopefully.  I’ve been wrong before but at least now I’m surrounded by everyone in my department instead of working remotely.  And they trust me and like me.  And they hate her.

I really can’t understand why one person would put so much effort into making people miserable.  She’d tell all of us storied on how she’d throw food at her kids and then laugh about it.  I’m the type of person that gets a high off of watching people succeed and knowing I was a part of that success.  But this woman is evil…the worst boss I’ve ever seen in my life, and i’ve been working for almost 20 years in various companies in various departments.  She gets a high from making people miserable, and she admitted that to me too.

Also my love life hasn’t been very good.  I’ve been through a lot of heartbreak.  Now is the time to start over there too. 

Everything new.

I’ve been talking with this man, a very kind, funny, patient man.  I have yet to meet him.  We’ve been talking on the phone and online for about a month or so.  He lives in Sacramento, I’m moving to Roseville.  The two cities are very close to each other…not more than 30 minutes apart.  And I really want to like him.  We even have the same political beliefs…go figure!  He’s cute, sweet, smart and kind.  But now I find myself not wanting to talk with him.

I really don’t think I’m ready to date.  Too many new things going on right now and I don’t feel like there’s any part of me to give to somebody.  I know it’s not fair to go on a date with anybody wanting to start a relationship with somebody when I can’t give all of me.  He is ready to start a relationship.  I’ve been thinking about this the last couple days.  I need to tell him so I don’t waste any more of his time.  I just don’t know how to.  I’ve only been on this side once before.  That was recent and still hurt me to tell a wonderful man I wasn’t good for him (that’s another story).  Makes me sick to my stomach but I owe it to this guy.  I can’t do to him anything close to what Joseph, and a couple other men, did to me and just ignore his calls and attempts to contact me.  As much as it hurts and as hard as it will be I need to tell him.

Wish I knew how.

When I first started talking with this man I thought I wanted a relationship.  I truly and honestly did.  But I don’t think the time is right.  Maybe once I’m settled in I’ll be ready.  Just not now.

I need this new start.  Completely clean slate.  It’s a rare opportunity in life to be able to start over the way I am now and I’m going to take full advantage of it.  I think that means to give myself time to heal.  Heal from the damage that’s been done to my heart and my head through work and past relationships.  I’ll be ok in then end.  I’m a strong woman with wonderful parents and a very few really close, really wonderful friends.  I have lots of friends, but the close ones I’m referring to are like my family.  In fact I tell them they’re my family.

My new journey begins.

Wish me luck.