Alone

So it’s been about 3 months since I’ve moved into my new house.  I should be the most ecstatic woman but I’m not.  I find myself crying much more than I ever have.  I guess I always thought that when I had a house I’d be starting a family in it.  And reality is setting in for me.  I’m 34 years old and have had one real relationship in my life.  I’m not the type guys want.  Even when I go out with them they disappear on me…POOF…without a word.  We could have had the most fun and they’ll tell me they really want to see me again.  They’ll even keep in contact for a few days after we go out.  But that’s it.

I don’t hear from them again.

Well that’s not always true.  More than half have come back after a couple months saying they got scared because I was more than what they ever wanted in a woman.

Doesn’t do me any good now does it?  I can’t trust them not to run away again.

And in my head I know I should be happy with everything I have.  But my heart tells me otherwise.  As much as I’ve tried to change things…I go out to try new things, find new hobbies…nothing is working.  I feel guilty for feeling this way.  I feel ashamed for feeling this way.

But I still do.

I really want to know what it is I have done.  I can’t figure it out.  I must have been a horrible person in a past life.  There are so many people who have done so much worse than me and are so happy.  I’m a great person and easy on the eyes yet nobody wants me.

I know, I’m venting, having a pity fest over here but I can’t shake it.

My mom said that everyone has luck in one way or another.  She used to tell me to not waste the luck on things like gambling and such.  Well I haven’t gambled much in my life.  I find I’m pretty damn lucky finding parking spots.  No really I am.  It can be THE busiest day of the holiday shopping season with the whole flippin parking lot full and I will drive to the front of a mall and there’s a spot just waiting for me.  Every year, every time.

So instead of being lucky in love I’m lucky in parking.  Every time I get one of those spots I think, “there goes another chance for me to find a man who will love me forever.”

And I’m alone in this house.  A house I thought I’d be starting my own family in with a husband of my own and children of my own.

I need to make peace with that.  Make peace with the reality that I’m never going to have it.  I was at peace with that awhile ago until somebody came into my life and made me want those things.  Just like all the others he left but unlike the others he left me with the heartache I never would have known if I was happy with not wanting a husband or children.

And I sit here on the sofa, laptop on my lap, sad music playing, tears falling from my eyes facing that reality….alone.