What is this single 36 year old woman to do?
Funny how things happen sometimes, isn’t it? Life as a single woman is complicated. Add the fact that I’m now 36 years old, work a job that makes me miserable and uses almost none of my brainpower or creativity, multiply that by having a mortgage and other debt, squared by the horrible economy and you have, well I have, a bit of a mess. What does one do? I have great friends. I have a wonderful family. I have a faithful dog. Yet still I’m not happy.
Being happy shouldn’t be so difficult!
It is my fault. I have nobody to blame but myself. I am such a chicken. I don’t know why I’m so afraid but I am. I feel trapped in this job in order to pay the mortgage. I just can’t lose this house. I can’t. It’s a symbol of something I’ve accomplished. Probably the only real accomplishment I’ve had in life. As I said before I’m 36 and single. Never married. No children.
I have gone on so many dates, tried a few relationships but as you may have read in earlier posts I always got the “poof.” Obviously with me as the common denominator something is wrong with me. But without anybody telling me what I’ve done wrong how do I know what it is?
And now there’s a new person. Well, he isn’t “new” because we’ve now known each other for a year and a half. We started as friends; benefits came soon thereafter. I never thought of having a relationship with him because he didn’t want one. He made that perfectly clear. He had a bad marriage: married to a woman who was horrible to him. The things he told me she did, I can’t believe any human being would do that to another.
I don’t blame him for feeling that way having been with a woman for three years and did the things she did. I had a “boyfriend” of three years who never even called me a girlfriend. I did so much for him. I helped him go back to school. Helped him with his homework. I sold things that were handed down to me from my grandmother to help him get out of debt so he’d be happy. I even put myself in debt to help him. Yes I was stupid. I honestly thought I loved him. I also thought that if I did all that stuff for him he’d love me too. Looking back on that time with him I realize what a horrible person he truly was. He cheated on me after my parents took him in. I found out about that because I’d do his laundry and find women’s phone numbers in his pockets. And the way we broke up? That was a doozy. We actually broke up twice. The first time he did it over the phone on my birthday. Yup. Happy Birthday to me. The 2nd time? Well that was him calling me to tell him not to come see him because he had a hickey on his neck from a women he was with the night prior. That was probably the best thing he could’ve done for me because I was angry enough to never speak to him again. There was more in between, but you get the picture.
The guy, this new person (let’s call him Douglas), disappeared from my life. He’s one of the guys that went “poof” on me in my past. I don’t know what happened. I know we weren’t wanting a relationship but I thought we at least had a friendship. We were supposed to meet to go to a casino just after my birthday (yes, birthdays and men have never EVER been a good mix for me!) but he never called. He never showed up. He didn’t bother to call to tell me he wasn’t going to show up. It broke my heart. Yes I was developing some feelings for him because I did see something different in him. But I was trying to somewhat keep some distance since that’s not what he wanted. And obviously he didn’t want the friendship either. Another “poof” to add to my list. Well, more of a book than a list.
I continued to date a series of men who treated me like garbage. Some fooled me for a moment but soon showed their true colors. At least I was old enough and independent enough to be able to say goodbye early enough on. I dated guys that were not my normal “type” too. That didn’t work. One worked for Apple as an engineer and made SO much money he didn’t know what to do with it. He took me places where a one-ounce shot of alcohol cost over $100. That was impressive but wasn’t why I dated him. I dated him because I thought he was different. But he always worked, never had time for me and then it was time for me to go. He said I didn’t understand and no woman understands the strains of his job. I said I do understand but the fact I saw him only an hour in a 4-week period was not a relationship and he shouldn’t trap me in one with him if he has no time for one. After him was a soldier who seemed really sweet but had issues beyond my comprehension. That ended almost violently.
During this time frame of dating the Apple guy and the soldier, Douglas contacted me. At first I didn’t reply because I was too mad. Well, more like hurt. I’m not sure why but I started talking/texting him again. I’d tell him the stories of all these horrible dates. He would always tell me how these guys were fools and how I was a wonderful, beautiful woman and deserved somebody who realized that. I knew he meant that because he had actually moved about 2 states away. What would be the point of saying that to somebody so far away? He was my sounding board for so many of these bad dates. He was a good sounding board. He helped a lot. We’d laugh about the rediculousness of some of these dates.
Then Douglas told me he would be moving back to my area in a couple months. I thought that was great, my friend was moving back. And he had become a great friend to me. Soon after he told me he was moving back he admited a bit of a crush he had on me. I didn’t know what to say. I had no idea. I will admit that I had hopes he did but didn’t think he did. I was wrong. He then asked me for a “chance.” I asked a chance for what. He said a chance to take me out on a date and see what happened from there. We had deep conversations about what would happen. We were both scared because of the pain of our past. But we decided to give it a try, a chance. Valentine’s Day I went outside and there was a delivery of roses from him. He was still in Utah but still thought of me. That touched me. He also wrote something very touching in the card that means a lot.
He moved out here. He went out with me and my friends for a pre-birthday celebration. He spent the night and held me. It was an incredible feeling. I felt so comfortable, so good with him. Then he took me out on my actual birthday for dinner. It was so nice. Finally a birthday with a guy that went well. Things felt so good with him, so comfortable, so incredible. He’s alot different from the guys I’ve dated. For Easter he even made me an Easter basket. In the Easter basket he had things in there that showed he really paid attention to the little things. That meant so much more to me than anything any guys has bought for me.
As I said, he’s different from the guys I’ve dated, but he also has similarities. I’m not quite sure what to do about it. I absolutely adore him. He’s been so very sweet to me. I feel so good when I’m with him. But like every guy I’ve gone out with after the words “relationship” or “committment” have been agreed upon, the distance comes up. I don’t see him as often as I used to. I don’t hear from him as often as I used to. We’ve talked and he says he’ll do better. But things haven’t changed. I know he’s scared. He told me. He says he knows I’m not like the women he’s been with in the past, but I don’t know if he truly believes that in his heart.
I completely understand that feeling. I have a bit of that feeling myself, obviously. It took me a long time to get over that first boyfriend I mentioned earlier. But I’m 36 years old, no kids. And after my parents are gone I will have nobody. I want somebody. Somebody to share my life with. Somebody with whom to have children. Children to hand down the family heirlooms that are being handed down to me. As it is when my mom gives me something and tells me the story behind it, the first thing that comes to mind is “this ends with me.” It’s a horrible feeling.
I won’t have children with just anybody. Yes I know that’s another obvious statement because I’m 36 and have none. I know I keep saying that but it’s a hard fact in life right now. I want to find the right person in life. I’d rather die childless than have a child with the wrong person.
Hence the problem. I can feel him pulling away from me and I don’t know what to do. I promised a committment to him. I want it WITH him. He’s an incredible person. But he keeps talking about thinking he isn’t good enough for me. As much as I tell him he’s what I’ve been wanting he has that in his head. And he’s still scared of his past…of it happening to him again. I would never do that to him, but I can’t convince him of any of it. He has to truly believe all of it in his heart. As much as I’d love to be able to make him believe it, I can’t make him do any of that. He has to do it on his own. And I have to continue being me and telling him the truth.
I really don’t want to lose Douglas. But I don’t think he truly wants me either. I have a feeling he, too, will soon “poof” on me. I don’t want to analyze things too much right now. I would love to be able to just enjoy the moments we do share. I know it’s early on too. It is but it isn’t. I’m afraid of wasting time once again with somebody who will disappear on me. At the same time I don’t want to be that chicken I’ve always been; that person who was always too afraid to take a chance.
I can see myself falling for him…deeply.
I want this to work with all my heart. I truly hope he does too. I want us to both just let go. I want to fall in love.
I laugh to myself a bit because the movie “Under the Tuscan Sun” is playing. If you’ve read past blogs it’s been my theme movie since moving in this house. Single woman, starting over. That’s me.
So much going on in my head. What’s this single, 36 year old woman to do?
