Alone

So it’s been about 3 months since I’ve moved into my new house.  I should be the most ecstatic woman but I’m not.  I find myself crying much more than I ever have.  I guess I always thought that when I had a house I’d be starting a family in it.  And reality is setting in for me.  I’m 34 years old and have had one real relationship in my life.  I’m not the type guys want.  Even when I go out with them they disappear on me…POOF…without a word.  We could have had the most fun and they’ll tell me they really want to see me again.  They’ll even keep in contact for a few days after we go out.  But that’s it.

I don’t hear from them again.

Well that’s not always true.  More than half have come back after a couple months saying they got scared because I was more than what they ever wanted in a woman.

Doesn’t do me any good now does it?  I can’t trust them not to run away again.

And in my head I know I should be happy with everything I have.  But my heart tells me otherwise.  As much as I’ve tried to change things…I go out to try new things, find new hobbies…nothing is working.  I feel guilty for feeling this way.  I feel ashamed for feeling this way.

But I still do.

I really want to know what it is I have done.  I can’t figure it out.  I must have been a horrible person in a past life.  There are so many people who have done so much worse than me and are so happy.  I’m a great person and easy on the eyes yet nobody wants me.

I know, I’m venting, having a pity fest over here but I can’t shake it.

My mom said that everyone has luck in one way or another.  She used to tell me to not waste the luck on things like gambling and such.  Well I haven’t gambled much in my life.  I find I’m pretty damn lucky finding parking spots.  No really I am.  It can be THE busiest day of the holiday shopping season with the whole flippin parking lot full and I will drive to the front of a mall and there’s a spot just waiting for me.  Every year, every time.

So instead of being lucky in love I’m lucky in parking.  Every time I get one of those spots I think, “there goes another chance for me to find a man who will love me forever.”

And I’m alone in this house.  A house I thought I’d be starting my own family in with a husband of my own and children of my own.

I need to make peace with that.  Make peace with the reality that I’m never going to have it.  I was at peace with that awhile ago until somebody came into my life and made me want those things.  Just like all the others he left but unlike the others he left me with the heartache I never would have known if I was happy with not wanting a husband or children.

And I sit here on the sofa, laptop on my lap, sad music playing, tears falling from my eyes facing that reality….alone.

Lost

Well I haven’t written on here in quite some time.  Why?  Because I have no internet connection in my new house.  Still.  It’s been 2 months.  My ‘cable-ready’ house is not at all ready.  My AC broke before I moved in.  It broke again last night.  I called Comcast to see what’s going on with my cable and phone and internet…they went out today and still can’t find anything.  They said the next time they can get out is on 8/18…which is 16 days from today.  Are we kidding?!?

Not to mention the tacks on the stairs that prick your feet as you walk up, the laundry room door won’t close and the vent for the dryer that leads to outside wasn’t done properly and could start a fire when I do my laundry.  GEEZ!

So needless to say my new house buying experience has NOT been a good one.  I’m frustrated all the time.  And dealing with that when I get in after work sucks…especially since work is terrible.  After knowing I would be transfering since May 1…they STILL have not found me a desk.  They’ve known for basically 3 months and I have no desk.  Nor have I had any training.  I’m just winging it over here hoping I don’t get anything wrong.  I feel so lost.

Lost.  That’s the perfect word for my feelings right now.  Lost.  If you’ve seen the movie “Lilo & Stitch” you’ll understand.  That moment Stitch is alone at night and says “lost.”  That’s me right now.

If it weren’t for the incredible support I have from my parents I don’t think I would have made it this far.  I had a complete breakdown last night.  Tears flowing.  I had my dog with me and hugged her.  But my parents have taken her for a couple weeks so I can get everything settled without the worry of her getting out or getting hurt during this process.  It’ll be so much more lonely than I’ve been but it’s best to have her safe and that worry off my plate.

So I’ve moved from San Jose to Roseville.  Do you know the way to San Jose?  Yes I do!  And I want to run back so quickly!  I’m lost in Roseville.  I’m totally regretting this move.  Maybe things will settle soon and things will get fixed.  I really don’t have much patience.  And I don’t know how much more I can take.

I’m just so…..LOST.

That’s Life

That’s life. 

That’s what all the people say.  Riding high in April (I was deliriously happy with Joseph) then shot down in May (Joseph left without saying a word as to why).  I know I’m gonna change that tune when I’m back on top in June (bought my new house!)

I say that’s life.  Funny as it may seem, some people get their kicks stompin’ on your dreams (Cruella from my last post!) But I don’t let it, let it get me down.  ‘Cause this big ol’ world keeps spinnin’ ’round.

I’ve been a puppet a pauper a pirate a poet, a pawn and a king (oh boy have I!!) I’ve been up and down and over and out (sing it baby…sounds like you’re singing about me right now!) but I know one thing.  Each time I find myself flat on my face I pick myself up and get back in the race (don’t have much of a choice there…gotta do it.)

That’s life.

I can’t deny it.  I thought of quittin’ baby (really, who hasn’t?) This heart wasn’t gonna buy it.  And if I didn’t think it was worth one single try, I’d jump right on a big bird and then I’d fly (instead I’m drivin’ my Durango up to my new house in Roseville)

I’ve been a puppet a pauper a pirate a poet, a pawn and a king (oh boy have I!!) I’ve been up and down and over and out (sing it baby…sounds like you’re singing about me right now!) but I know one thing.  Each time I find myself flat on my face I pick myself up and get back in the race (don’t have much of a choice there…gotta do it.)

That’s life.

I can’t deny it.  Many times I thought of cuttin’ out but my heart won’t buy it (it just won’t.  I can’t give up.)  But if there’s nothing shaking come this here July (we’re in July now and I’m moving into my new house the day after tomorrow.  I’d say that’s a good shake up.  Start at my new headquarters on Monday the 21st!)  I’m gonna roll.  I’m gonna roll.  I’m gonna roll myself in a big ball and diiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I must say that this song has summed up my life over the last few months.  When I’m feeling down I blast this song and sing very loud.  Very theraputic I must say.   You should try it!