After I asked you, not much later, you brought him to me.  I was absolutely blown away and amazed you found him and brought him to me.  After years of searching and hoping, the one time I prayed for him you brought him to me.

Maybe I was dumb, maybe he was dumb, but things fell apart.  Since then I tried to focus on other things, other people.  I tried to find what I had in him and forget about him.  But in the end there were always things that kept him on my mind.  Little things almost on a daily basis that reminded me of him.  All these reminders built up over the last few weeks.  I don’t know if it was you or coincidence or my mind playing tricks on me but songs, food, drinks, and even the person I was ‘dating’ at the time reminded me of him.  He treated me the best of anybody I went out with.  He was the best fit of anybody I dated.

So I either did something dumb again or smart, I don’t really know.  I contacted him again telling him he’s been on my mind.  He replied.  We’ve been in contact ever since.  He’s still in a bad place in life, working all the time.  He truly has no time for anybody in his life.  But he tells me daily he wants to see me.  I miss him so much.  I’ve been able to get over every guy I ever dated, finding reasons they weren’t good for me.  He is the only one that hasn’t happened with.  I compare, whether consciously or subconsciously, every guy I date to him.  The way he looked at me, the way he treated me, he truly adored me.  But he couldn’t give me a valuable thing in a relationship:  time.

I’m coming to you again because I don’t know what else to do.  My heart thought before it wanted some things in the past, but in the end I realize it was just a fear of being alone, of never finding somebody.  But with him it’s different.  I’m not afraid to be alone.  I can do very well on my own.  But my heart wants him.  He made me feel safe.  He made me feel beautiful.  He made me feel wanted.  He protected me.  He cared about me.  He wanted to make me happy.  There has never been a guy where all of those things came together like that.  Never. 

So I ask you to help us out.  Help give him strength and time.  Help give me patience.  Help us work this out together.  I truly believe he is my other half.  And it’s not that neither one of us can make it alone, we can.  But I think we would be incredible together.  I’m sorry it took me so long to realize.  I hope he realizes it too.  My heart has never wanted something so badly. 

You brought him in my life when I asked for him.  Could you please help me keep him there?

Being happy shouldn’t be so difficult!

It is my fault.  I have nobody to blame but myself.  I am such a chicken.  I don’t know why I’m so afraid but I am.  I feel trapped in this job in order to pay the mortgage.  I just can’t lose this house.  I can’t.  It’s a symbol of something I’ve accomplished.  Probably the only real accomplishment I’ve had in life.  As I said before I’m 36 and single.  Never married.  No children. 

I have gone on so many dates, tried a few relationships but as you may have read in earlier posts I always got the “poof.”  Obviously with me as the common denominator something is wrong with me.  But without anybody telling me what I’ve done wrong how do I know what it is?

And now there’s a new person.  Well, he isn’t “new” because we’ve now known each other for a year and a half.  We started as friends; benefits came soon thereafter.  I never thought of having a relationship with him because he didn’t want one.  He made that perfectly clear.  He had a bad marriage:  married to a woman who was horrible to him.  The things he told me she did, I can’t believe any human being would do that to another.

I don’t blame him for feeling that way having been with a woman for three years and did the things she did.  I had a “boyfriend” of three years who never even called me a girlfriend.  I did so much for him.  I helped him go back to school.  Helped him with his homework.  I sold things that were handed down to me from my grandmother to help him get out of debt so he’d be happy.  I even put myself in debt to help him.  Yes I was stupid.  I honestly thought I loved him.  I also thought that if I did all that stuff for him he’d love me too.  Looking back on that time with him I realize what a horrible person he truly was.  He cheated on me after my parents took him in.  I found out about that because I’d do his laundry and find women’s phone numbers in his pockets.  And the way we broke up?  That was a doozy.  We actually broke up twice.  The first time he did it over the phone on my birthday.  Yup.  Happy Birthday to me.  The 2nd time?  Well that was him calling me to tell him not to come see him because he had a hickey on his neck from a women he was with the night prior.  That was probably the best thing he could’ve done for me because I was angry enough to never speak to him again.  There was more in between, but you get the picture.

The guy, this new person (let’s call him Douglas), disappeared from my life.  He’s one of the guys that went “poof” on me in my past.  I don’t know what happened.  I know we weren’t wanting a relationship but I thought we at least had a friendship.  We were supposed to meet to go to a casino just after my birthday (yes, birthdays and men have never EVER been a good mix for me!) but he never called.  He never showed up.  He didn’t bother to call to tell me he wasn’t going to show up.  It broke my heart.  Yes I was developing some feelings for him because I did see something different in him.  But I was trying to somewhat keep some distance since that’s not what he wanted.  And obviously he didn’t want the friendship either.  Another “poof” to add to my list.  Well, more of a book than a list.

I continued to date a series of men who treated me like garbage.  Some fooled me for a moment but soon showed their true colors.  At least I was old enough and independent enough to be able to say goodbye early enough on.  I dated guys that were not my normal “type” too.  That didn’t work.  One worked for Apple as an engineer and made SO much money he didn’t know what to do with it.  He took me places where a one-ounce shot of alcohol cost over $100.  That was impressive but wasn’t why I dated him.  I dated him because I thought he was different.  But he always worked, never had time for me and then it was time for me to go.  He said I didn’t understand and no woman understands the strains of his job.  I said I do understand but the fact I saw him only an hour in a 4-week period was not a relationship and he shouldn’t trap me in one with him if he has no time for one.  After him was a soldier who seemed really sweet but had issues beyond my comprehension.  That ended almost violently.

During this time frame of dating the Apple guy and the soldier, Douglas contacted me.  At first I didn’t reply because I was too mad.  Well, more like hurt.  I’m not sure why but I started talking/texting him again.  I’d tell him the stories of all these horrible dates.  He would always tell me how these guys were fools and how I was a wonderful, beautiful woman and deserved somebody who realized that.  I knew he meant that because he had actually moved about 2 states away.  What would be the point of saying that to somebody so far away?  He was my sounding board for so many of these bad dates.  He was a good sounding board.  He helped a lot.  We’d laugh about the rediculousness of some of these dates.

Then Douglas told me he would be moving back to my area in a couple months.  I thought that was great, my friend was moving back.  And he had become a great friend to me.  Soon after he told me he was moving back he admited a bit of a crush he had on me.  I didn’t know what to say.  I had no idea.  I will admit that I had hopes he did but didn’t think he did.  I was wrong.  He then asked me for a “chance.”  I asked a chance for what.  He said a chance to take me out on a date and see what happened from there.  We had deep conversations about what would happen.  We were both scared because of the pain of our past.  But we decided to give it a try, a chance.  Valentine’s Day I went outside and there was a delivery of roses from him.  He was still in Utah but still thought of me.  That touched me.  He also wrote something very touching in the card that means a lot. 

He moved out here.  He went out with me and my friends for a pre-birthday celebration.  He spent the night and held me.  It was an incredible feeling.  I felt so comfortable, so good with him.  Then he took me out on my actual birthday for dinner.  It was so nice.  Finally a birthday with a guy that went well.  Things felt so good with him, so comfortable, so incredible.  He’s alot different from the guys I’ve dated.  For Easter he even made me an Easter basket.  In the Easter basket he had things in there that showed he really paid attention to the little things.  That meant so much more to me than anything any guys has bought for me.

As I said, he’s different from the guys I’ve dated, but he also has similarities.  I’m not quite sure what to do about it.  I absolutely adore him.  He’s been so very sweet to me.  I feel so good when I’m with him.  But like every guy I’ve gone out with after the words “relationship” or “committment” have been agreed upon, the distance comes up.  I don’t see him as often as I used to.  I don’t hear from him as often as I used to.  We’ve talked and he says he’ll do better.  But things haven’t changed.  I know he’s scared.  He told me.  He says he knows I’m not like the women he’s been with in the past, but I don’t know if he truly believes that in his heart.

I completely understand that feeling.  I have a bit of that feeling myself, obviously.  It took me a long time to get over that first boyfriend I mentioned earlier.  But I’m 36 years old, no kids.  And after my parents are gone I will have nobody.  I want somebody.  Somebody to share my life with.  Somebody with whom to have children.  Children to hand down the family heirlooms that are being handed down to me.  As it is when my mom gives me something and tells me the story behind it, the first thing that comes to mind is “this ends with me.”  It’s a horrible feeling.

I won’t have children with just anybody.  Yes I know that’s another obvious statement because I’m 36 and have none.  I know I keep saying that but it’s a hard fact in life right now.  I want to find the right person in life.  I’d rather die childless than have a child with the wrong person.

Hence the problem.  I can feel him pulling away from me and I don’t know what to do.  I promised a committment to him.  I want it WITH him.  He’s an incredible person.  But he keeps talking about thinking he isn’t good enough for me.  As much as I tell him he’s what I’ve been wanting he has that in his head.  And he’s still scared of his past…of it happening to him again.  I would never do that to him, but I can’t convince him of any of it.  He has to truly believe all of it in his heart.  As much as I’d love to be able to make him believe it, I can’t make him do any of that.  He has to do it on his own.  And I have to continue being me and telling him the truth.

I really don’t want to lose Douglas.  But I don’t think he truly wants me either.  I have a feeling he, too, will soon “poof” on me.  I don’t want to analyze things too much right now.  I would love to be able to just enjoy the moments we do share.  I know it’s early on too.  It is but it isn’t.  I’m afraid of wasting time once again with somebody who will disappear on me.  At the same time I don’t want to be that chicken I’ve always been; that person who was always too afraid to take a chance.

I can see myself falling for him…deeply.

I want this to work with all my heart.  I truly hope he does too.  I want us to both just let go.  I want to fall in love.

I laugh to myself a bit because the movie “Under the Tuscan Sun” is playing.  If you’ve read past blogs it’s been my theme movie since moving in this house.  Single woman, starting over.  That’s me.

So much going on in my head.  What’s this single, 36 year old woman to do?

I educate myself on the goings on in the world. I don’t know everything that’s going on but I do ask questions. I wish I knew more and had time to learn more but alas I have what they call a “job” and have to work because millions of welfare people depend on it. Not to mention those recieving government bailouts. How else can they get that money other than to tax people like me who actually work. Oh wait, that’s right, let’s get our printers out and print some money!! Jimmy Carter had nothin’ on those in office right now! Every time I think of that it reminds me of the scene in “Goonies” where Data finds the printer that prints the fifty-dollar bills. Woo hoo!

The liberals out there who hear me talk or read my opinions…look out! I can’t believe how full of hate and anger they are. I get called all sorts of names. Now a good debate is one thing but when you resort to calling me a “cunt” because of my beliefs, you just lost. I know I know…it’s difficult to be proven wrong time and time again. I’ve been proven wrong on occasion and it can sting, but I can’t imagine how it feels to be proven wrong so many times. Liberals say Conservatives such as myself are full of hate. Yet I’ve been targeted because of my beliefs quite a few times. I’m a woman who expresses my beliefs, but as soon as I do to a liberal all hell breaks loose. My car has been pelted with paintballs. I’ve been flipped off driving down the street with my “support the troops” magnet on my car. Liberals say they believe in free speech, but as soon as I try to speak I’m told to “shut the fuck up cunt.”

But perhaps I’m “profiling.” Oh yes, that’s very wrong. We should NEVER profile. I mean come on now, it’s wrong when somebody robs a bank, let’s say, and we profile to find him. This is how I see this going….

*Ma’am, can you describe the person you saw rob the bank and shoot the teller?
**Yes I can. He stood about 6′ tall, had blue eyes and dark brown hair, had an English accent, wore blue jeans and a black shirt. He drove away in a honda accord Lic plate # xxx xxx
*Thank you ma’am. We’ll put in the police report

And here we are at the police station…..
*We need to put out an APB on a man who’s 6′tall with blue eyes and dark brown hair with an English accent wearing a black shirt and blue jeans driving a honda accord Lic plate # xxx xxx
**We can’t. That’s profiling.
*Profiling against what?
**Men. And people with blue eyes. And people who drive honda accords. And people with English accents. And people who wear blue jeans. And people who wear black shirts.
*Uh, what else do we have here?
**We’ll put an APB out for a white person driving a car.

D’oh! That’s what this country is coming to. You can’t describe people you see doing any crime for fear of “profiling.” How else are the police supposed to do their search? You need descriptions to find people and things. Detailed descriptions. And sometimes these descriptions include accents AND ethnicities!!

And I’m not full of hate, but I am full of disappointment. It’s really disheartening to see all of these brain-washed people in this, what I see as a cult, chanting down the street like in the “Thriller” video “yes we can, yes we can.”

To all you that voted for this “change.” Please keep the change. And to the administration that keeps on sending these bailouts with earmarks for tattoo removal and salmon spawning and research on chicken eggs….STOP SPENDING MY MONEY!! You are bankrupting this country. You are weakening us against our enemies. But I’m almost certain that is your goal. I’m sorry but many of you elected officials are living in you own fantasy world…a 9/10 world. Me…I’m living in a 9/12 world and am scared to death about what you’re doing to this once fine nation.

So that made me want to try dating again.  I’m in a new town, new people, why not date right?  So I have.  I’ve met some interesting people to say the least.  But just as in a previous post, my letter to Joseph B, the men just disappear.  One man I dated said he’d never had as much fun with a woman as he did with me.  He was excited I was in his life.  Then POOF, gone.  No call, no explanation, no nothing even after I tried contacting him.

Another man seemed very nice.  He talked about wanting to take care of me.  Wanting to treat me like no man has treated me.  Be romantic.  We had so much fun.  I laughed so much.  Then POOF, gone.  Same thing…no call, no explanation, no nothing even after I tried contacting him.

Then this other man came into my life.  He is intelligent, loves hockey like I do, shares the same political views as I have, can keep up with me in my sarcasm and wit, likes to be affectionate, a very handsome tall strong man.  He told me he couldn’t stop thinking about me.  He said it was so nice to finally meet a woman like me.  Once again POOF.

I wish I knew what it is that went wrong.  These men tell me how wonderful I am then completely disappear.  If they hadn’t told me how much they love being with me and we had arguments or ill feelings I’d be able to understand better.  Or if they’d tell me what was wrong maybe I could fix it.  But when they build me up by telling me how wonderful they think I am and how happy they are to find me it makes it extremely difficult to understand why they go POOF.

I’ve asked my guy friends this very question.  They have no answer for me.  They just tell me it’s not anything I’ve done wrong.  But I’m the common denominator.  What could I be doing wrong?  What am I doing wrong?  I wish I knew so I could fix it.

The only thing I’ve been told is that it’s because I’m too good to be true.  Or that men don’t feel that I need them and they need a woman who needs them.  What I need is for them not to go POOF.  What I need, like any other human being, is to feel loved.

I’m an independent woman who owns her own house and car, who is intelligent and educated, who lives alone but is strong.  Am I scaring men away because of who I am?  Am I truly destined to be alone the rest of my life?  I wish somebody had answers out there because I keep banging my head against the wall trying to figure things out.

How many times can I break ’til I’ve shattered?

I just want to find a man that compliments me as I do him.  I’m not perfect.  I’m not asking for the perfect man.  I’m asking for the perfect man for me as I would be the perfect woman for him.  I’m asking for a man that won’t go POOF.

I don’t hear from them again.

Well that’s not always true.  More than half have come back after a couple months saying they got scared because I was more than what they ever wanted in a woman.

Doesn’t do me any good now does it?  I can’t trust them not to run away again.

And in my head I know I should be happy with everything I have.  But my heart tells me otherwise.  As much as I’ve tried to change things…I go out to try new things, find new hobbies…nothing is working.  I feel guilty for feeling this way.  I feel ashamed for feeling this way.

But I still do.

I really want to know what it is I have done.  I can’t figure it out.  I must have been a horrible person in a past life.  There are so many people who have done so much worse than me and are so happy.  I’m a great person and easy on the eyes yet nobody wants me.

I know, I’m venting, having a pity fest over here but I can’t shake it.

My mom said that everyone has luck in one way or another.  She used to tell me to not waste the luck on things like gambling and such.  Well I haven’t gambled much in my life.  I find I’m pretty damn lucky finding parking spots.  No really I am.  It can be THE busiest day of the holiday shopping season with the whole flippin parking lot full and I will drive to the front of a mall and there’s a spot just waiting for me.  Every year, every time.

So instead of being lucky in love I’m lucky in parking.  Every time I get one of those spots I think, “there goes another chance for me to find a man who will love me forever.”

And I’m alone in this house.  A house I thought I’d be starting my own family in with a husband of my own and children of my own.

I need to make peace with that.  Make peace with the reality that I’m never going to have it.  I was at peace with that awhile ago until somebody came into my life and made me want those things.  Just like all the others he left but unlike the others he left me with the heartache I never would have known if I was happy with not wanting a husband or children.

And I sit here on the sofa, laptop on my lap, sad music playing, tears falling from my eyes facing that reality….alone.

This is a BRAND NEW house.  I didn’t think problems would be so rampant in a newly built house.  I always heard that there were problems when you moved in somebody else’s house…since they’ve worn it out.  I didn’t realize more problems occurred in a new house.

I feel so lost here.  I have my friend across the street but she’s having issues of her own to deal with…personal issues and I will always be there for her. 

But I’m having issues moving to a new place, my employer not giving a damn about me to give me any training or support in this new enviornment and the builder of the house not giving a damn about all their errors.

Before I talked about being a “house owner” vs a “home owner.”  I stick with that statement.  I haven’t found a home yet.  I went “home” to San Jose a few days ago to pick up Parker, my baby girl (my 4-year old german shephard lab mix).  My parents took her while I tried to get things straightened away.  I was so lonely without her.  But driving back to my house from San Jose I couldn’t help but wonder if I had made a mistake.

I love San Jose.  I always will.  It will always be my home.  My Sharks are there.  My family is there.  My comfort is there.  I’m so unhappy here I can’t help but think every day that I made a mistake.  Work sucks.  House problems suck.  Feels like life sucks.

Something’s missing.  I don’t know what.  Some days I think it’s a man.  Once in awhile I think it’s a child.  In the end I don’t know what it is but it’s something big.

I’m tired of feeling lost.  And I don’t know what to do about it.  I know only I can make the changes I need but every time I think I’ve gotten somewhere something pushes me back a few feet.  I wish I knew what to do to get control back.  But I’m just so lost.  And I’m very impatient that I can’t just sit back and ‘let’ things happen.  I need to MAKE things happen, I know that.  

I just wish I knew what to do.

Not to mention the tacks on the stairs that prick your feet as you walk up, the laundry room door won’t close and the vent for the dryer that leads to outside wasn’t done properly and could start a fire when I do my laundry.  GEEZ!

So needless to say my new house buying experience has NOT been a good one.  I’m frustrated all the time.  And dealing with that when I get in after work sucks…especially since work is terrible.  After knowing I would be transfering since May 1…they STILL have not found me a desk.  They’ve known for basically 3 months and I have no desk.  Nor have I had any training.  I’m just winging it over here hoping I don’t get anything wrong.  I feel so lost.

Lost.  That’s the perfect word for my feelings right now.  Lost.  If you’ve seen the movie “Lilo & Stitch” you’ll understand.  That moment Stitch is alone at night and says “lost.”  That’s me right now.

If it weren’t for the incredible support I have from my parents I don’t think I would have made it this far.  I had a complete breakdown last night.  Tears flowing.  I had my dog with me and hugged her.  But my parents have taken her for a couple weeks so I can get everything settled without the worry of her getting out or getting hurt during this process.  It’ll be so much more lonely than I’ve been but it’s best to have her safe and that worry off my plate.

So I’ve moved from San Jose to Roseville.  Do you know the way to San Jose?  Yes I do!  And I want to run back so quickly!  I’m lost in Roseville.  I’m totally regretting this move.  Maybe things will settle soon and things will get fixed.  I really don’t have much patience.  And I don’t know how much more I can take.

I’m just so…..LOST.

He was a man that could do anything from slam dunk a basketball to playing a multitude of instruments to politics to philosophy to poetry writing.  And that only names a few of the things he did in his lifetime on a regular basis.

I watched 2 days of specials on him talking about his life.  What a person.  He was always smiling, even through the chemotherapy and hair loss.  And he always had such a positive attitude and outlook on life.  Wow.  That’s all I can say.  I used to watch him a lot on Fox News.  I loved watching him when he was the White House Press Secretary and how he could call the press on their $h!T in a nice way with a grin on his face.

How did he do that?  He was a nice yet firm guy.  I never once heard anybody say that they thought he was a jerk or anything.  How do you maintain that balance?  I know when I was nice people walked over me.  Then when I tried to combine nice and firm people called me that dreaded “B” word.

How can you be THAT nice and not have people walk over you?  And he influenced people.  What an incredible man.  He made people feel good about themselves.  It didn’t matter what side of the political spectrum you were, he respected you and influenced you.

I have this new start and would like to be more like the person he was.  I’m going to do all I can to be like that.  It’ll be difficult to change the person I’ve become but if I can be even a little more like him I’ll be better off and I can help people.

He was such an incredible man.  What a terrible loss for the world.

That’s what all the people say.  Riding high in April (I was deliriously happy with Joseph) then shot down in May (Joseph left without saying a word as to why).  I know I’m gonna change that tune when I’m back on top in June (bought my new house!)

I say that’s life.  Funny as it may seem, some people get their kicks stompin’ on your dreams (Cruella from my last post!) But I don’t let it, let it get me down.  ‘Cause this big ol’ world keeps spinnin’ ’round.

I’ve been a puppet a pauper a pirate a poet, a pawn and a king (oh boy have I!!) I’ve been up and down and over and out (sing it baby…sounds like you’re singing about me right now!) but I know one thing.  Each time I find myself flat on my face I pick myself up and get back in the race (don’t have much of a choice there…gotta do it.)

That’s life.

I can’t deny it.  I thought of quittin’ baby (really, who hasn’t?) This heart wasn’t gonna buy it.  And if I didn’t think it was worth one single try, I’d jump right on a big bird and then I’d fly (instead I’m drivin’ my Durango up to my new house in Roseville)

I’ve been a puppet a pauper a pirate a poet, a pawn and a king (oh boy have I!!) I’ve been up and down and over and out (sing it baby…sounds like you’re singing about me right now!) but I know one thing.  Each time I find myself flat on my face I pick myself up and get back in the race (don’t have much of a choice there…gotta do it.)

That’s life.

I can’t deny it.  Many times I thought of cuttin’ out but my heart won’t buy it (it just won’t.  I can’t give up.)  But if there’s nothing shaking come this here July (we’re in July now and I’m moving into my new house the day after tomorrow.  I’d say that’s a good shake up.  Start at my new headquarters on Monday the 21st!)  I’m gonna roll.  I’m gonna roll.  I’m gonna roll myself in a big ball and diiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I must say that this song has summed up my life over the last few months.  When I’m feeling down I blast this song and sing very loud.  Very theraputic I must say.   You should try it!

This is an opportunity to start over in all aspects of my life.  I will be working at a new headquarters but the same job.  Let me tell you a little about why I’m leaving San Jose:

I started my career with this company 6 1/2 years ago.  I worked my way from the bottom up.  I was one of their top employees in this department.  I trained, hired, supervised many people…close to about 70 or 80 different people by the time I hit my 4 1/2 year mark.  20-25% of my employees, because of my training and developing and motivating, moved into management.  Considering the business I’m pretty damn proud of that accomplishment.  Year 4 1/2 I was promoted to a position of high authority…oversaw 250+ employees, had to keep track of technology, training and all sorts of things.  Problem was that the manager of this place, the person who supervised all the front-line supervisors including me, kept changing.  I had to train a new boss twice.  But the one that took over 1 1/2 years ago made people’s lives miserable.,,Let’s call her Cruella because we were all like the dalmation puppies Cruella wanted to skin for her fur coat.  2 people went on stress leave because of Cruella and 3 left, not to mention the 4 other front-line supervisors who have come to me daily telling me they don’t know how much more they can take and don’t know how I was able to last so long.  I used to get 60+ emails from her A DAY with ‘to dos’ on them.  She’d forward me emails that were over a week old to deal with the issue…and they’d be due that day.  I am an extremely strong woman and she broke me.  I’d drive home every day crying.

She prided herself on making people cry…she told me that.  She never knew I did and I would never give her that satisfaction.  And when I told her my aspirations of moving up in the company, she told me my “destiny” was not up there but as a front-line supervisor.  She wouldn’t let me go.  She knew I was a strong performer and if she lost me all her “numbers” would plumit.  I was trapped.  I’m the type of supervisor that gave no limits to my employees…there was no ceiling for them and I would help them build their ladder to success.  In turn I got a supervisor who not only put up an extremely short ceiling but would burn any ladder I tried to build.

Then I saw a glimmer of hope.  A new department was being formed in the company to which my position would report.  Thank God, my prayers were answered.  Only they weren’t going to let me take that position because of Cruella.  She told lies behind my back to keep me because she knew that her department would fail without me.  I was her strongest player.  And she never let people leave her.  She left them.  If you tried to leave Cruella she’d be sure to make your life miserable.  She was good at it.  And people in these other departments told me what she said.  Cruella had no idea the friends I made in this company, how well-known I was.  And they fought for me…and I fought against her.  I got the position and thought I was finally free.

But I wasn’t.  My new department’s client was my old department.  And I had to deal directly with Cruella.  She turned all the people I hired and trained, coached and developed against me.  I don’t know what she told them but I felt it.  And one of my supervisors in my new department told me the things she said, even showed me an email she had written.  All lies.  Luckily he saw right through them but we had to play politics.

I needed out.  I had to get away from Cruella’s grasp.  And now I finally have…hopefully.  I’ve been wrong before but at least now I’m surrounded by everyone in my department instead of working remotely.  And they trust me and like me.  And they hate her.

I really can’t understand why one person would put so much effort into making people miserable.  She’d tell all of us storied on how she’d throw food at her kids and then laugh about it.  I’m the type of person that gets a high off of watching people succeed and knowing I was a part of that success.  But this woman is evil…the worst boss I’ve ever seen in my life, and i’ve been working for almost 20 years in various companies in various departments.  She gets a high from making people miserable, and she admitted that to me too.

Also my love life hasn’t been very good.  I’ve been through a lot of heartbreak.  Now is the time to start over there too. 

Everything new.

I’ve been talking with this man, a very kind, funny, patient man.  I have yet to meet him.  We’ve been talking on the phone and online for about a month or so.  He lives in Sacramento, I’m moving to Roseville.  The two cities are very close to each other…not more than 30 minutes apart.  And I really want to like him.  We even have the same political beliefs…go figure!  He’s cute, sweet, smart and kind.  But now I find myself not wanting to talk with him.

I really don’t think I’m ready to date.  Too many new things going on right now and I don’t feel like there’s any part of me to give to somebody.  I know it’s not fair to go on a date with anybody wanting to start a relationship with somebody when I can’t give all of me.  He is ready to start a relationship.  I’ve been thinking about this the last couple days.  I need to tell him so I don’t waste any more of his time.  I just don’t know how to.  I’ve only been on this side once before.  That was recent and still hurt me to tell a wonderful man I wasn’t good for him (that’s another story).  Makes me sick to my stomach but I owe it to this guy.  I can’t do to him anything close to what Joseph, and a couple other men, did to me and just ignore his calls and attempts to contact me.  As much as it hurts and as hard as it will be I need to tell him.

Wish I knew how.

When I first started talking with this man I thought I wanted a relationship.  I truly and honestly did.  But I don’t think the time is right.  Maybe once I’m settled in I’ll be ready.  Just not now.

I need this new start.  Completely clean slate.  It’s a rare opportunity in life to be able to start over the way I am now and I’m going to take full advantage of it.  I think that means to give myself time to heal.  Heal from the damage that’s been done to my heart and my head through work and past relationships.  I’ll be ok in then end.  I’m a strong woman with wonderful parents and a very few really close, really wonderful friends.  I have lots of friends, but the close ones I’m referring to are like my family.  In fact I tell them they’re my family.

My new journey begins.

Wish me luck.